I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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