My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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