What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
love makes seman taste better
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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