I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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