as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
