you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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