dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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