can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
