If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
