I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
