he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
