I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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