We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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