Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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