Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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