kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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