My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
