just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
