i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I got her a Nickelback box set.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize