If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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