I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
