You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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