Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
