The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize