Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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