nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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