As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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