When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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