I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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