I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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