He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
