I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
