I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
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