I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
