I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize