Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
