In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
