Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize
