oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
