We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
