clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
