Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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