Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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