I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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