I met the friendliest cop last night
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
