my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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