i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
this is an emotional support booty call
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