Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Randomize
