Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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