god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize