3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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