I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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