Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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