i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
