the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize