when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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