I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
