one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize